On Friday 20th May, I had the pleasure of going to see my friend’s graduate fashion show in London. As explained in ‘Winning’, this friend is a friend I met at uni and a friend I would have been graduating with this summer, had I not attempted to retake year one and had I not left. In that blog post, I explained that I felt a little sad and reflective of the events that had passed. I further explained what I remembered and what I learnt, which in turn, reiterated the fact that I quit for me and better came because I finally let go.
Before Friday came, I had absolutely no expectations- funny how I went through a good few that day. I’ll be honest and say that I first felt a little annoyed because I was reminded of some of the reasons I didn’t like it there in the first place. I felt that nothing really changed- these people were still the same. I was quickly reminded that as much as things change in such a short period of time, is as much as things can also stay the same. Maybe I read too much into it? Or I was being too quick to judge? But I was shocked because nobody humbled themselves and acknowledged that although I came to support my friend, I came to support them too. Of course, the show was never about me or about me coming back after so long, but I would’ve appreciated it if people smiled back and said hello and/ or thank you for coming. I see that maybe it meant more to me because I was coming back. Maybe it meant less to them because I was the one intruding in on something that no longer belonged to me.
But all that faded and when the show started, pride consumed me. I felt proud of each and every one of them because I truly understood the struggle and the lengths it took to get to this point. I sat back and basked in what was happening in these precious moments, truly appreciating the concepts, the thoughts, the music, the garments- which were made to an incredibly high standard-, the design process and everything behind the scenes leading up to this moment. I truly appreciated what I saw because I knew Struggle so well. I knew him and I was finally able to see what breaking free of him looked like. It looked like me leaving and sounded like a thousand shackles falling to the ground.
Then peace, and acceptance set in when I asked myself if this was ever in my reach. ‘No’ never sounded so good to me. I accept that what is for me, will always be for me and what is not for me will definitely never be for me. I find solace in the fact that fighting for it, and not being able to give anymore if I tried, proves just that.
And finally, gratitude followed.
So yes, I got a lot of closure from this one show. It enabled me to put the last few years into perspective. So much unfolded before my eyes, further confirming what I already knew. Friday symbolised the end and reminded me I made the right choice.
Unlike before, I now recognise that my timing was slightly off. I thought This season, filled with a lot of rain, and a lot of sunshine, started when I left uni. It actually started three years ago in 2013 when I knew the journey I was to embark on would take everything in me and when I made the choice to press on anyway. I had no idea that three years later I’d be closing a huge chapter of my life. Properly closing it. Three years of fear, courage, strength, weakness, laughter, tears, overcoming, optimism, faith and so, so much more, led me here. Led me to look at my reflection and stand in awe of the woman I have become. Of what I have overcome. Closing the door, means that I have truly overcome sadness, fear, frustration, anger, pride, faithlessness, disappointment and worry. Starting led me to leaving which in turn led me to discovery, growth, peace, joy, strength and so, so much more.
I am grateful for this journey and I promise you, I would not change it for the world because I stand here, a better and stronger person.
I thank you Father for your spirit that liveth within me and for healing- for breaking every chain. Thank you for helping me to see what the last three years have amounted to. For opening my eyes and my mind so that I could truly understand what you have done, what you have used this season for. Thank you for preparing me for what is to come, for walking with me and for never letting go, even when I thought my way was the way, even when I didn’t understand. Thank you for being patient with me.
With new eyes I see what it means to be broken as a Christian: ‘The very word brokenness means that something that was whole has been taken apart. In this disassembly of the human soul, brought on by conviction of the Holy Spirit, the life of the individual is left without excuse or reason not to surrender all they are to God. In acceptance of God’s complete authority over the life of a Christian, that person is made complete in the process of being broken’. (http://www.angelfire.com/ma/bhall/broken.html).
On this journey I have been broken in Christ. He has ploughed my soil and replanted the garden in my heart. Through Him, I am better because of it and I thank Him for it. I didn’t realise until now, the importance of this season and how much this season moulded me. Three years changed me, and I didn’t know it, I honestly didn’t even know it.
Lord, I stand in awe of you. In awe of the fact that ‘I’m standing here, only because you made a way’. I wish I could express just how grateful I am. Just how much peace I feel. You are intentional and never failing. Thank you for closure.
Very soon, I’ll be closing this chapter, and I know that I’ll close it with no regrets, with sincerity and with peace. This chapter will be a constant reminder, that once more, what has come and what is to come will always, in its entirety, be greater.
‘And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose’.
‘For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us’.
P.s- The show was great- for more reasons than one.
Until next time
Love, light and blessings