Relapsing

Some who know me will know that I have always (and in some ways still do) struggled with doing way too much for people. And not because I need the validation or because it’s some subconscious reflection of how I view myself, but because if I know that I can help people then I will. Additionally, if I’m being honest I think it also stems from being unable to deal with letting people down, my inability to say no and the subconscious title of superwoman stemmed from the expectations I hold on myself but also that others hold on me. I’m aware that there is so much to break down and to tackle as I am constantly reminded that the downfall of these characteristics is that a lot of the time doing too much for people is done at my expense.

Time and time again, it seems this trait has cost me (for what it is) much more than it should. Outside of the wasted time, money and energy it has on more than one occasion cost me myself and that is something that is very difficult to deal with. Somewhere along the line, I showed people that they were allowed to treat me like I was less than and somewhere along the line they actually believed that that was ok.

Despite what some may think or say, I’ve learnt that being treated as less than is a never-ending spectrum than can range from trust being broken, being disrespected, being taken advantage of, people not caring about your boundaries and the importance of said boundaries, one- sided relationships, invalidation of feelings, a lack of regard for your energy, time and money- the list is truly endless.

I was recently reminded that problem areas don’t just go away and bettering self requires constant work. It was naïve of me to forget this and to think that:

1. Being aware of the problem
2. Making a conscious effort not to feed the problem and
3. Failing to work on the problem constantly

Was enough to solve it.

For solving issues like these that involve how others treat me and how I allow others to treat me by not speaking up, I’ve learnt that communication is absolutely necessary no matter how difficult. I have to set boundaries yes, but I also have to tell people when they have crossed those boundaries and why that is not ok. I have to self-advocate and voice how I feel. Behaviour can be learnt; behaviour can be taught and I will never underestimate the power and importance of showing and teaching people how I ought to be treated.

I’ve seen how problem areas can creep up on me especially when I’m doing ok, especially when I leave them unchecked. Left unchecked I endanger myself, everything I have worked hard to overcome, and sometimes even others. I describe this creeping as a virus that lays dormant: the issue flairs up (e.g. allowing people to violate my boundaries) and I deal with it, it goes to sleep so I forget and refrain from doing all of those perfectly doable healing/ self-improvement remedies, then it wakes up again, rearing its ugly head and I’m left to clear up the mess; and sometimes the mess is bigger than before, sometimes its smaller but it’s still a mess to clean nonetheless.

Now, I can only assume what people might be thinking on first read. I know how alarming it is to be this open about personal struggles but this blog has always been about openly and honestly sharing my journey no matter how good, bad, big and/ or small. Maybe this will resonate with someone, maybe it will encourage someone to be open, to self-advocate and maybe, just maybe it will encourage people to consider where they have thrived off of the benefits that come with people doing too much for them.

If there’s one thing I do know, it’s that these things require work. I have come such a long way, but in my almost 27 years on this earth, I am STILL working on this and honestly, given my most recent relapse it seems that I will ALWAYS be working on this. But as usual, use me as a reminder that life is about perspective and getting up and dusting off. I’m grateful for my ability to acknowledge these flaws and my ability to take the time to address them, even if I forget that these flaws replicate dormant viruses.  I hope each time it wakes up again, I’ll be more ready to fight it than I was the last time.

For you my friend, who may be like me, I hope you will be encouraged. The journey to stronger boundaries, a better self, respecting self and taking care of self is hard but always worth it. For those who acknowledge that they are relapsing, feel like they might relapse soon and those who aren’t aware of that possibility; remember that setbacks happen, remember the work that has been done and why you did that work in the first place. Know that it’s ok to take a step back, it’s ok to re-evaluate and it’s ok to make changes- even if that means reviewing the depths of the relationships you have with the people you love and care about the most.

Until next time

Shine your light always,

R x

Short Term Sacrifices, Long Term Gain

Hey family, I hope this meets you well.

Before I start, you might want to have a read over ‘A Leap of Faith’ for some context.

In 2015 I got a temp job working with a local authority. It wasn’t part of the plan but by His Grace, it kind of just fell into my lap and to be honest I needed the money after job-searching for almost seven months!! What was meant to be a four week contract turned into four years. Within those years I got more experience working with young people on the side, went back to uni, got promoted and became a permanent member of staff. The plan was to stay for a year, max two and transition into working with young people and/ or families, but as we’ve seen, having things go exactly how I planned them to 100% of the time isn’t really my forte.

I honestly cannot tell you how many jobs I applied for throughout my time at the Council and how many times I heard ‘no’. It was always: ‘you’re really great and we love you but you haven’t got enough experience’ or ‘you’re not what we’re looking for right now’. By 2019 I became really frustrated and decided to take matters into my own hands so I came up with yet another plan.

At this point I was still applying for jobs but the last one I applied for was a massive leap of faith:

1. Despite knowing I was more than capable, the job role was ambitious as I wasn’t a fully qualified youth worker and
2. It was out of my comfort zone but it was a leap I thought would massively contribute to my personal and professional growth.

To be honest I didn’t think I’d get it but I was so intrigued by their work that I applied anyway as I quite literally had nothing to lose.

Anyway, this job was the last straw and as I mentioned earlier I decided to take matters into my own hands. I was preparing to go to India in January 2020 and decided to put away a certain amount every month in 2019. If I didn’t get the job the plan was to hand in my notice at the council in December, live my best life in India in January and upon my return do it myself/ continue the grind and create the experience that every job said I didn’t have.

Funnily enough and somewhat ironically, I didn’t need the back up plan for once because in May 2019 I got the job I thought I wouldn’t get. But nothing worth having comes easy. I was offered the job but at a lower role because I wasn’t fully (JNC) qualified and my experience ‘wasn’t really youth work’. Ouch. I tried to hold it in but I cried that day, (if you know me personally, you know that I rarely ever cry, so me crying says a lot) because it felt like every other no I had heard and it was like I took one step forward and four steps back. Despite my frustrations I had to make some difficult but logical decisions and quite literally step back to move forward. But really, life is about perspective and I eventually saw it as a short term sacrifice for a long term gain.

I took the lower rank with a view to get fully qualified and get promoted. It came with a significant pay decrease, it came with needing to do additional study and it came with having to wait at least a year before I could even reap the benefits. But I learnt that sometimes you have to let your light shine by itself, for itself- people will notice it without you having to do anything. Three months after taking the lower role I got promoted and one year into that promotion I got promoted again- into the role that I initially applied for (without the qualification). See what I mean? See how God works?

All of this is to say that sometimes things don’t go according to plan and things don’t look how we thought they would. Sometimes steps back to move forward are necessary and sometimes we need to make temporary sacrifices so that we can really reap the benefits of what there is to gain. The road to success requires patience and I am yet to hear a success story that doesn’t include falling down a thousand times and having to get back up.

Think about where you’ve come from, think about where I’ve come from and try not be afraid of what is to come. I believe that what is yours will always be yours and God will open the doors that need to be opened. Remember short term sacrifices, long term gain- and that doesn’t have to be as big as taking a job, it can also be as small as staying up one night to work on your dreams.

Take one for your team and shine your light always.

R x

2021

2020 was a turbulent year for many, as a result of the shared trauma I’m convinced that most people anticipate that 2021 will either be:

1. Phenomenal (‘this is my year’) or
2. Just a sh*t as the last one…

At first, I couldn’t comprehend how so many people had such positive and high hopes for 2021 but a conversation with a friend made me consider that having such high hopes might be the only factor enabling so many to tackle 2021 with heads held high.

Either way, I had a thought. Instead of focusing on how good or how bad we anticipate the year to be why don’t we focus on the things we can control? That way we reduce the chances of being disappointed and we have a great year because the focus has shifted to accomplishing the things we know we can achieve.

It’s not the most ideal but sometimes we have to make do with what we have. I know that I don’t have control over how BoJo’s decisions will affect me but I do have control over writing that book I wanted to write five years ago so I’ll focus on the latter.

They say that life is what you make it and in these unprecedented times this statement couldn’t be closer to the truth. As frustrating as it is, let’s focus on the things we can control. I take comfort in the fact that God is and always will be in control and He has His hands on us even though it feels like things are falling apart…

Shine your light always.

R x

Graduation

Expectation: Create a Blog (Student of the Father) to document my journey after miserably failing my first year of uni. Share my retake experience and provide a space where I can publish my portfolio and fashion related projects.

Reality: End up embarking on a journey of self discovery and face some hard, honest truths. Leave uni in December 2014 learning how to overcome fear and feelings of failure, (almost) ready to pursue what I love. Return to Higher Education in September 2016. Document the whole journey.

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It may not seem like much but back in 2014 leaving uni was a really big thing for me. Initially, there were so many negative feelings surrounded by my choice. I worked so hard to finish and to prove that I could finish so not finishing was incredibly disappointing.

It took some time, but I eventually decided to go back to uni to support and kickstart my career into the field that I always knew was right for me. And what a great choice that was. To say that I thoroughly enjoyed my second attempt at an Undergrad would be an understatement. I loved (and still love) the uni, actually enjoyed studying and felt mentally stimulated, had the most supportive lecturers, wrote some fantastic essays and made some incredible life-long friends. Despite the lows (which in no way outweigh the highs), it was such a pleasant experience, an experience that gave me my confidence back and reminded me that I am more than capable of achieving and rewriting the story that someone else thought they could write for me.

I think that people underestimate the power of strong support systems and the power of being believed in. I believe that having this contributes to people being able to achieve their goals and complete things with success. There is nothing like knowing that people truly believe in you. I almost fell at the final hurdle but with the help of the ones I love the most I completed my dissertation (that I am so proud of), actually completed a degree and I did so gracefully. Undefeated, undefined.

Four years of hard work and dedication has truly paid off. It is no longer about proving people wrong or proving that I am capable of doing the things I set out, but breaking down barriers and defying the odds that were against me. I am reminded that I close chapters because I can and because I have the right to. Chapters don’t close me and neither do people. So yes, I left uni the first time and although finishing didn’t look how I thought it would, it doesn’t mean that I didn’t finish, for finishing doesn’t always mean completion, finishing can sometimes mean drawing the line.

I am grateful that since closing that chapter, every day, every month and every year has led me here: graduating with a 2.1. I am gutted that the current climate has robbed me of a graduation but it’s ok because the certificate alone holds so much weight. I don’t anticipate being able to have an official ceremony this year, instead, in true Rebekah fashion I’ll organise a graduation photoshoot to celebrate. I’ve got the dress I just need the weather…

Here’s to closing chapters because you said so.

Shine your light always

R x

Soul (Contains Spoilers)

Hey family, I hope this meets you well.

Leading up to Christmas day 2020, I tried to convince my family to watch Disney Pixar’s Soul with me. Everyone in my household is grown and most of them were not as forthcoming as I’d hoped when I said ‘let’s watch a black Disney film’! Obviously I didn’t pitch it quite like that but it was a ‘no’ from them.

Well, despite being a grown ass woman, I am a big little kid at heart and watched it myself on Boxing Day; boy am I glad that I did. Before I start let me just say that these films are for adults too and I will gladly continue to watch them. 🙂

****Spoiler Alert!****

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The film follows Joe Gardiner, a music teacher whose passion for music is all consuming. We journey with him and see that him finally getting his big break falls simultaneously with his time on earth coming to an end. He can’t leave, it’s not time, his work is incomplete. So he fights and he teams up with soul 22 to get his body back. Despite her initial adamance that she wants no part in a life on earth, in walking a mile in Joe’s shoes she learns that life is for living. Not because of his experiences but because of hers. Her realisation highlights that in his quest to pursue his dreams and Jazz till the end of time, Joe has forgotten how to live and his life has become meaningless, rather he has nothing to show for his years on earth.

Watchers learn that the missing piece isn’t about finding purpose in life but being ready to live and live life to the fullest. Soul is a tale of life, hope and perspective and it came at such a fitting time. It really warmed my heart and the melodious sounds featured throughout were beautifully placed. I think it was the meaning of it all that did it for me. I’m reminded that our time here is limited. I am able to see the impact that being obsessed with trying to gain something or reach somewhere has on our ability to live a life worth living. I can’t bear the thought of looking back on my life with regret and on top of that I would hate for God to ask me what I did with my life and fail to give a substantial answer.

‘For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?’

Mark 8 v 36

I think that this Bible verse is so fitting, I know Joe didn’t gain the whole world but he quite literally lost his soul. I think that this verse speaks for so many of us. Purpose is important as is finding and going after our passions- I’ll never downplay the importance of both- but I will say let’s do it in a way that allows us to live life well in this life and the life to come. And while we’re down here, let’s not get so caught up and forget what it feels like for the wind to slap our faces, what it feels like to watch the flowers grow and what it feels like to bask in our surroundings and live in every single moment.

Honestly, this is (obviously) not sponsored but I encourage you, no matter how old you are, to watch this film. It is truly heartwarming and there is much to take from it. Please use the comment box below to tell me what you think, for now though…

It’s 4 stars from me…

⭐⭐⭐⭐

Rating: 4 out of 5.

Until next time…

Shine your light always.

R x

Return of the Mack…

Wow, I can’t believe I am here. Saying it has been a while would be an understatement. So, so much has changed.

To those of you who are familiar with me/ my content, hello, we meet again. I hope the last few years have treated you well and if it hasn’t I hope you have been able to overcome with grace.

To those of you who are new, welcome. I hope that this space with provide comfort and healing.

There is so much I have to say and so much I have learnt over the last few years. I’ve decided not to do a full on update post and plan to release new content every Thursday. The first few posts will enable you to get an idea of what I’ve been up to and what has changed but I’ll mix this up by including posts that focus on everyday life at the moment.

If you’re a long time follower you may notice that I have removed some old posts- hopefully this isn’t too much of a bummer; feel free to take some time to look over the new site, re-read some of your old faves and (re-)familiarise yourself with who I am and what Student of the Father is about by reading the home page.

It’s genuinely so good to be back.

See you Thursday.

R x

No Hard Feelings/ Good Intentions

Hello family

I know. I’ve been gone a very long time but in due time, I’ll tell you about everything and let you know where I’ve been.

How are you? I hope that you have been living your best lives and making me proud by shining your incredibly bright lights.

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As adults, we know that things don’t always go according to plan, and it can sometimes be upsetting, frustrating or confidence shattering, but it can sometimes be a blessing, a learning experience, a relief or a form of confirmation.

Having thought about it for a while, this week, I decided that there was no longer space for me on a project I was assisting someone with. Although I wanted to see it to the end, it was time to say goodbye. I was unhappy with a few things, but ultimately I just didn’t have the time and resources to continue on in the way that was needed.

One thing that has taken a while for me to master is setting and reestablishing boundaries (post coming soon), but also taking time to put myself first, saying ‘no’ and being ok with the fact that I can’t always swim oceans or trek through deserts for people. I realise that some of the more recent choices I have made (like leaving this project, for instance) has been a result of the boundaries that I have had to put in place. I accept that although we both had good intentions, and plans/ goals as professional partners I couldn’t jeopardise what I had worked so hard to establish.

I have to say that I am grateful for the experience and for the fact that there are absolutely no hard feelings (so it seems lol). As usual, I have taken the time to reflect on recent events and bask in what I have learnt and what I’d do differently next time. Having said that, it would be absolutely unlike me not to share, therefore I have devised a short list in the hopes that you too can learn, grow and be inspired or encouraged:

1. Boundaries- I’ve already touched on this and I will do a separate piece on it, but I will say that it’s important to know them. #IAmNotATeacup.
2. Seeking Wise Unbiased Counsel- I know I’ve said this before, but it’s good to seek wise counsel, especially if you think you might be being irrational or if you think you’re overreacting. (Side note: I’ve also said this before, but be careful who you take advice from. When making decisions make sure you are happy with the decision you are to make. Make sure you’ll be able to stand firm in it with no regrets. People may have good intentions but remember that the people who advise you to do one thing, won’t have to deal with that one thing. Some might not even remember the advice they gave).
3. Taking a Loss- Sometimes you have to. In some cases it will bother you and in others it won’t. Although mine was the latter, this experience reminded me that sometimes it’s better to take the ‘L’ and move on. Learn from the experience. I found that it was better than trying to force things to work or staying ‘just because’/ to see where it would lead.
4. Knowing When to Back Out- This is important. It’s ok to say ‘no’ and it’s ok to leave when you know something isn’t for you. However, don’t be out of order. Remember that there is a way to do things so that there are no hard feelings. Nine times out of ten, you’ll know when it’s time to go but it’s essential to find the balance between doing you and still being a decent human being (I say that with love by the way, believe me). In this case, I found that part of finding the balance and doing things at the right time was having the ability to back out (and not be out of order) before it was far too late.
5. Knowing When to Be Quiet- Again, despite the fact that you may have good intentions, not everyone will be able to see it. I learnt that sometimes, you have to let people come to certain realisations alone.
6. Something I learnt about myself though… I’m not always that good at telling people how I feel. Sometimes I’m not that good at being persistent with ensuring that people understand how they’ve made me feel. How is someone supposed to know they hurt, offended or upset you or even if they make you happy, if you don’t let them know? Part of reestablishing the boundaries is about having the initial conversation(s).
7. I should work on running my own project.
8. In light of my introduction, I was reminded of the importance of accepting that things don’t always go according to plan or work out the way I would have hoped.

 

I’m so glad to be back, and I hope that you can take something away from today’s post.

 

No hard feelings…

Until Thursday

Rebekah

Mushy Rice

I can cook. Now, I won’t say that I’m incredible and I can throw down in the kitchen but I definitely know my way around. Although it’s not my favourite thing to do, I cook with love. With a view to becoming a wife and mother in the near future, and taking into account the fact that I have- for as long as I can remember- always been surrounded by very good food, I believe it is my turn to surround the people I love with very good food.

Growing up, I’ve always imagined myself entertaining people, I’ve always imagined that the kitchen would be the heart of, or at least be a massive part of my home. One of my goals/ my desire is that people would genuinely love and enjoy my food. I’m pretty sure this stems from my Nigerian culture. I love my culture. More so now than ever, I appreciate and understand the importance of being able to provide as a woman, taking responsibility of this responsibility. At the end of the day, I am a Nigerian woman, therefore, looking after my home, looking after my kitchen will always be my duty, no matter the century, no matter how annoying it may be.  I’m not saying that it’s compulsory for women (Nigerian) to cook all the time and spend every last moment in the kitchen with no help, but I am saying cooking and serving is a big part of this culture. What you choose to do with that fact is up to you. But I digress.

Anyone who knows me will know that I don’t like change but I’ve been (surprisingly) welcoming it. This year has been great so far as I’ve impressed myself in more ways than one, doing things I never saw myself doing and doing the things I always wanted to do. This includes cooking- striving to master various dishes, working towards being able to say (with much proof) that I can throw down in the kitchen.

With a view to mastering how to cook different types of food, I have made a list of the food/ meals I can make well and a list of the food/ meals I haven’t made before that I’d like to be able to cook well. This keeps the goal in sight and makes achieving this goal seem more realistic as I can alter the lists as I go along. Ultimately, I should be left with one very long list and one short one.

Having said all this, I’m actively making an effort to make more meals and to try new things. Come on, they say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach and I want bae (and my family) to live in my kitchen. Truly enjoying the meals that await him (them).

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On Tuesday, I thought I’d make some Nigerian fried rice. Although I’ve made this many times before with great results, I decided to make it again as it was an easy dinner. Or so I thought. We didn’t have any long grain/ easy cook rice left at home so I begrudgingly used basmati rice -_-. At this point, I was already aware of the many setbacks, but I approached with caution and proceeded to use the basmati anyway, hoping that it would be a first time success. Despite the fact that it seemed to be going well at first, it (all of a sudden) took a turn for the worst with the final product being… hmm… let’s say… less than desirable? As disappointing as it was, the experience allowed me to consider the bright side and bask in the positives. Because of the mushy rice, I learnt/ was reminded that:

1. It can be disappointing when things don’t always go the way that we planned but it’s not the end of the world. We can learn from every experience.
2. Practice makes perfect.
3. Stepping out of your comfort zone is not so bad.
4. Most people will appreciate your efforts.
5. Mushy rice is part of the process.
6. Never again will I ever make fried or jollof rice with basmati rice. (Well not until I seek wise counsel anyway).

But ultimately, as frustrating as it was, I am determined to reach the goal and continue experimenting. You never know unless you try, right? In light of looking at the positives and working on the negatives, I took the time to reflect on Wednesday’s dinner that went a lot better than Tuesday’s. Yes, I cheated by doing something that I knew would work but I still found there were things I could have done better. We are our harshest critiques, but who knows, I might share some things with you as I progress on this journey.

While striving to reach this goal, (making sure that Rebekah’s kitchen is the place to be), there are some other things that I’m going to be working on:

1. Timings- I can take too long to prepare food (I don’t want my children to starve!).
2. Sticking to cleaning up as I go along. It works up until a certain point and then I just stop :s.
3. Mastering when to cook certain things so that everything is ready at the same time and being able to avoid possible disasters that may come with cooking multiple things at the same time.
4. Cooking under pressure (keeping calm and carrying on).
5. Enjoying each process, continuing to cook with love.

I hope this inspires you to go after the smaller goals that still have an impact on your life, as you work towards the bigger ones. Don’t be afraid to work on you and to work on improving your future. Bask in who you are and embrace where you are from. Reaching a goal is reaching a goal, right? Regardless of how big or small it is. Do you, always.

Ps sorry I didn’t post last week, it was a bit of a hectic one. I hope you’re all good though and you’re all shining your incredibly bright lights.

 

Until Thursday

Happy aiming and achieving!

Rebekah

Daisy Chains

Hello again, I hope you’re all well and you’ve had a wonderful week.

Last week Saturday, I thought about an old friend. We went to the same Sixth Form quite a few years ago, and although we were close, some time after finishing we somehow lost contact.

Although I thought about my friend over the years, there was something different about when she crossed my mind last week. I couldn’t help but wonder why people rarely reach out to long lost friends, or why people fail to let others know that they are missed, or they haven’t been forgotten. Is there really any harm in reaching out to a lost friend? What’s the worst that could happen or what does one have to lose? After asking myself these questions, I decided to send an email (as I wasn’t sure if C had changed her number, and knew that an email was probably the best bet) and I’m so, so glad I did. So much has changed but it’s as if nothing has changed.

We’re still in the process of catching up, but this experience reminded me how much can change at any given time. As we go through life, we can get caught up in the adventure and the places we are taken to, and as we go through the motions we don’t necessarily realise what’s going on and how fast things are changing. Filling my friend in allowed me to reflect on the last few years. I was reminded that we don’t often realise everything that goes on until we stop and really consider all the things we have been through. Reflecting is amazing; rebuilding bridges or maintaining an old (but beautiful) garden we failed to continue to look after, is amazing.

Apart from the fact that I genuinely missed my friend and I was keen to learn about how she was and everything I’d missed out on, I accept that it was probably easier for me to reach out to my friend as there was no tension between us- we didn’t have an argument, we didn’t fall out etc, we just simply somehow lost contact. With that being said, I wanted to share this with you guys as (from this experience) I have found that there is security and warmth in reaching out. I wanted to encourage you to try and rebuild an old bridge. Reaching out may not go according to plan, but if there is someone you have lost contact with, that you still very much adore, and who you haven’t forgotten about, there’s no harm in seeing how they are, and letting them know that they mean just as much to you as they did before, all those years ago. You never know, it could make their whole day, and then some. There’s no harm in trying.

Do something different.

Until next week

Rebekah

Faith Without Works

I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently and holding onto the fact that having faith goes hand in hand with being practical, or putting in the work. I serve a mighty God who is able to do all things, but trusting in that truth shouldn’t make room for laziness.

James 2: 14- 26 highlights the fact that faith without works is dead. To put this in perspective, if I say that I want a new job, what good is it if I have faith that God will give me a new job but I don’t update my CV and apply for anything? Or if I say I want to meet new people but don’t put myself out there and network etc, what good is it? It doesn’t really make sense. Yes have faith and trust that things work in God’s time but also put in the work. ‘You see then that a man is justified by works, and not by faith only’.

I’m sure you get my drift. All this to say I’m making a conscious effort to have faith with works. Trusting and knowing that God can do all things but making an effort to take responsibility for my role in this and putting in the work.

I hope you take it upon yourselves to have faith with works too.

This one’s to trusting and working, always.

Until next week

Rebekah